A Reviewer's Note

While keeping up with the updates to the blogs that I follow, I realized that my reviews are rather lengthy.  I find this to be both positive and negative.  This is good because my long posts give me an advantage when it comes to attempting to get all of you readers to fall in love with the books I am reviewing; however, the long posts also probably bore you guys as well.  I have been wondering for a few days now if readers actually read the entire blog or if they simply get bored after the second paragraph and navigate away.  I pray the latter is not true.  So, I'm here to make a deal.  If you guys read my reviews for Going Bovine and Hot Head in full, all of my future posts will be short!  I pinky promise.

Thank you all for taking the time to read what I have to say and considering it.  I hope you enjoy these books as much as I have!

This post is a tad incoherent and choppy, and I blame this completely on my exhaustion and general numbness of my fingers due to the inclement weather- my fingers are totally ready to break off.

It's A Very, Very Mad World [Insert Gary Jules Vocals]

One may inquire why there is a cow holding a yard gnome on the cover of this New York Times Best Seller novel, Going Bovine  (by Libba Bray).  Perhaps you know what the word bovine means, so you have deduced why the cow is present.  But, you still do not know why the gnome is.  Yet, you open the book and take a gander at what lies beneath the eccentric cover anyway.  And what do you find there?  A recollection of a trip to Disney World.  You're probably really disappointed at the fact that instant gratification was not provided for you, but you keep reading anyway.  You soon find out what happened in Disney World, and your mind is stimulated.  If you're like me, you will have thought to yourself, "Hmm.. this may be an okay book.  I can taste it's potential!".  You keep reading, and the next thing you know you're on page seven, and you've already been sucked into the vacuum of a black hole. And let me tell you, this vacuum is filled with pure sweet bliss that is brought to you by Libba Bray's unique writing style.  Now you're probably thinking, "Oh my gosh, this book is going to be so effin' rad.  Man, this Libba Bray can write".  You'll find yourself also saying, "Ha! That was funny!  And witty! I think I'm getting addicted already".

You'll continue to gobble up the rantings of Cameron, the socially awkward pothead protagonist who suffers from amotivational syndrome and who appears to have a set of pretty big cajones, but you eventually find out no one can comment on his male genitalia because he still has his V-card.  This doesn't bother him too much though.  He keeps smoking his Mary J's and jonesin' for Miss Staci Johnson, the Queen B with the bangin' bod who sticks her butt out intentionally.   Soon, you start to see Cameron trip out and do some crazy stuff. He's losing control of his body.  He's seeing fire giants and angels.  The dude's seriously trippin'.  Cameron's parents eventually send him to counseling to receive, what I'm sure he considers, an ever-so-helpful dose of psychobabble bullshit.  Even after the sessions, he's still wiggin' out.  He ends up going Donnie Darko in front of his mom and sister, and they're all like "Oh my gawwwwd, Cameron! Oh my gawwwd, what's happening?".  He gets sent to the hospital, and shit gets real (pardon my french).  And you know what he finds out?  He has CJ's disease!  The big Creutzfeldt–Jakob.  Now you can make the connection between the cow on the cover and the way Cameron's been acting.  The dude is now a socially awkward virgin pothead who suffers from amotiovational syndrome AND mad cow's disease.  You start to feel bad for the dude, you know.  You keep reading because you HAVE to see how this plays out.  Also because Bray has sucked you deep into her vacuum of awesome diction, lively characters, and the weirdest sh#% ever.  You'd hate yourself if you stopped.  You'd actually probably try and un-friend yourself on Facebook.  Nevertheless, you keep reading because you don't want to leave her world.  You don't want to leave Cameron. 

What happens next you ask?  Well, BOOM! is what happens.  Bray's now created an explosion in your head that wreaks of sugary goodness and literary delicacy.  An angel comes to Cameron one day while he's in the hospital and gives him the opportunity of a life time.  She tells him he can save the world and find a cure if he accepts her mission of utmost importance.  All he has to do is destroy some evil that was created when Dr. X, this mysterious but freakishly intelligent doctor, traveled to a parallel world.  Once he does this and finds Dr. X, he can be cured.  He can LIVE.  This mission is his and his alone, for he is the only one who can see the world in the necessary way.  Thank god for those nasty prions who have been sucking holes into his brain, ya' know?  Oh, the angel adds one last thing: he needs a sidekick.  He must bring his friend Gonzo, the dwarf.

The two escape from the hospital and start on their mission.  You're probably ready for a little intermission at this point, but your body has betrayed you.  It's practically saying "Screw food and drink! Need. To. Finish.  Need. To Finish".  So, you keep gobblin', and you keep gobblin'.  Your dog's starving.  You're starving, and you're on the verge of soiling yourself because you will not deny yourself the sweet pleasure of Going Bovine- not even for twenty seconds!  So, while shit starts to get real at home, shit gets ASTRONOMICAL for the mad cow and dwarf.

As you're reading, your mind goes off onto a random tangent, and an image of Libba Bray materializes in front of you.  She's smiling and laughing because she knows what she's doing to you.  She knows she's blowin' your mind and that you love it.  You hear her say, "You like that don't you? Don't you?". You gawk at her while under her spell, and you say, "Yes, your literary greatness.  I do.  It is STUPENDOUSSS".  She fades away, and for a minute you think you have CJD as well, but you just don't care.  You need to finish.

You keep reading and your mind is bombarded with images of the duo fighting the evil Wizard of Reckoning in a jazz club in New Orleans.  You see Cameron get brainwashed by a cult that basically bathes in happiness.  They love happiness.  They like, really really love happiness.  And your happiness increases their happiness.  Cameron then comes across a yard gnome that is really an immortal Viking god (Bray's little people sure do come equipped with some interesting personalities!), and he rescues him from a life of injustice.  Bray tests how far she can push you by throwing in some surprise attacks from the fire giants.  Then, a diner happens to go KA-BOOM and our heroes are declared terrorists with a bounty on their heads- 15 big ones is the reward!  Your world's rocked again as she throws some quantum physics at you.  An old man gives Cameron a magic screw (or was it a magical screw?) that is necessary.  Some cherry poppin' takes place, and not too long after Cameron reaches his climax, the novel does the same.

Bray feeds your addiction with a face off between Cameron and the Wizard of Reckoning, and then she throws some philosophy at you just because she can and because she knows you're gonna love it.   You start to feel the dark hole spit you back out as your ride comes to an end.  She gives you a bittersweet ending that is fitting and deserved, and she cradles you with her words as you cry silently.  If we're as similar as I hope we are, you go to sleep dreaming of sand castles and ninjas, mad cows and punk rocker angels, and little people.  Lots and lots of spunky little people.  After waking up the next morning, you put Going Bovine in your library and stroke it's spine one last time.  Feelings of nostalgia wash over your entire being, smothering every cell, and a single tear escapes from your tear ducts.  You leave the book behind and say out loud, "That... was... epic".